Prepare for a battle of epic proportions, where the diabolical minors of adult cartoons duel against one another for supremacy over the animated world!
Contestant #1: Stewart “Stewie” Griffin (Family Guy)
Attributes: Stewie is wise beyond his age: literally, a baby with the knowledge and determination of a classic mad scientist. With an excellent dialect, drive, and a unique ability to forge inventions centuries beyond what exists today, Stewie is a force to be reckoned with. If only his mother weren’t in the way…
Contestant #2: Eric Cartman (South Park)
Attributes: Not especially smart, and by no means physically tough. What Cartman lacks he makes up for in an uncanny ability to manipulate those around him, be it directly to his advantage or against those around him. This ability also allows him to predict the actions of others so well that he can, at times, get away with crimes that no normal individual would.
It’s safe to assume that a battle between these two would not encompass any physical means (namely, no fighting of any physical kind). Even though Cartman would have no issues punching a baby in the face (how could he, given the size of Stewie’s head), it’s been already proven that Cartman is terrible at fighting. One slap on the nose and he’d be crying louder than Deadpool fans who saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Though Cartman wouldn’t put himself above using weapons, the stronghold would go to Stewie, who has an arsenal of weaponry in his toy box (though none have worked against his prime target, his mother… yet).
One major difference between Stewie and Cartman is the fact Stewie would willingly kill. Or at least, he has the seed in him to do it. Attempts have failed, but the fact Stewie has attempted murder at his young age is something one shouldn’t toss aside. Cartman, on the other hand, has never openly killed anyone. His sad attempts are laughable at best, and usually involve getting others to do the dirty work rather than himself. Cartman has eyes more for money and power, and seems to be fully aware of keeping his own hands clean.
Being the manipulative little devil he is, Cartman would very likely see Stewie is an attribute to acquire, rather than destroy. Neither has the same goals in life, but both do have a similar desire to defeat those they view as ‘beneath’ them. For Stewie, that is his mother. For Cartman, it’s whoever he isn’t (most notably Kyle). Stewie tends to work alone and, as such, would be alone in any fight against an opposing team (in this case, Cartman). Cartman however, has the upper hand in that he can manipulate those around him (including his friends) to side with him… even if they do not agree. Cartman nearly was able to create the 4th Reich, as well as an annihilation of all those who are not ginger. Both attempts failed namely due to interceptions by his friends. There have been times when Cartman has beaten his friends, or even used them unwillingly to accomplish his dastardly plans.
Both children are equipped with the knowledge of foresight. While Cartman has literally been to the future (in a bad attempt at cryostasis), Stewie has used computer programs to determine the eventual outcome of his world domination. Neither ends well, and so both children are placed in a predicament of knowing just how far they can go. This never does stop either from pushing the boundaries (though it’s debatable if Cartman just conveniently forgets).
However, in all of this, Cartman holds one single thought that could push him to every length to defeat Stewie. Simply put, Cartman HATES Family Guy. His reasons are direct: he dislikes the format of comedy on the show. However, the lengths to which Cartman has gone to destroy the show are unmatched, and very likely he would not bother holding back in destroying one of its central characters. This very well could put Stewie at a disadvantage, as he would not know how to handle an individual who has a wider understanding of Stewie’s existence than he himself does.
In the end, that hatred of Family Guy would drive Cartman father than he’s ever gone before. Therefore, the winner is:
The DAWG!! …er… I mean, Eric Cartman!