TV Review: True Blood 3.02 – “Beautifully Broken”

Episode: True Blood 3.02 – “Beautifully Broken”
Original Air Date: June 20, 2010

If there’s one thing this show has perfected (besides the casting of people so hot your underthings spontaneously combust just thinking about them), it’s packing in a crapload of story threads into an hour episode. Get ready for your head to spin.

Before I get on with the recap/review, I just wanted to apologize to the readers for being so late with this. I had some personal matters to attend to this week, and they took a little longer than I thought they would to wrap up. From here on out, the recaps/reviews should be on time. Okay, game on.

What better way to start a True Blood episode than with naked dudes laying around? Okay, maybe that’s just my preference but blood and nakedness! Right off the bat! Werewolves, as it turned out in this instance, are not anywhere near approaching “badass.” I mean, Bill just killed three, maimed another, and is in the middle of a staring contest with the black colored wolf when the show starts. Suddenly, the most fantastically dandy of a man comes rolling in on his white steed while a harpsichord theme kicks in. Bill immediately recognizes this vampire, bows while calling him “Your Majesty” and the remaining wolf transforms into the leader of the F You Crew (whose name turns out to be “Cooter” and I’m so glad Bill found that as funny as I did).

Turns out, this King sent the werewolves to “collect” Bill and bring him to Mississippi. Bill, a little taken aback by this information, details what’s happened to him up to this point:

1. Apparently, taking vamps across state lines is something of an issue, though it didn’t seem to be last season;
2. The King (his name is Russell) was not happy about the werewolves drinking Bill’s blood. He shoots the maimed were as a pretty clear message to Coot about feeding on his guests.

He and Bill then ride off on that magnificent white horse that I desperately wanted to turn into a unicorn or a pegasus because I’m such a freaking girl.

Hail to the King, baby.

Lafayette finally breaks that bathroom door down and saves Tara by making her throw up the pills. Lettie Mae is as useless as ever, wailing in the hallway about Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit her with a wiffle ball bat. Lafayette tells his aunt that she’s failed her daughter for the last time as he’s pushing his way with Tara out of the house, but this character is way too crazy for this to be the last time we see her.

You find out that werewolves from some super secret Nazi project subtly called “Operation Werwolf” have vampnapped your love — who do you turn to? Your local Viking Vampire Sheriff! I wanted there to be a flashback to Eric’s Viking days about werewolves. I mean, it’s just too perfect, what with the Viking traditions and all. Anyhow, we got Jessica nerding out about a Nazi werewolf club and Eric trying to blow Sookie off. Which doesn’t work because, as illustrated last episode, he’s a horrible liar. So Eric has Pam take Jessica out of the room and gives Sookie the abridged version of “So You Want to Know About Werewolves.” They’re dangerous and she needs to stop now because he knows that she’ll just go barreling into trouble head first without thinking about it. Firstly, he’s got it bad and it so shows here. B. A. D. Big time. Secondly, silly Eric! If she didn’t go looking for trouble the way she does, there wouldn’t be a story.

Meanwhile, Pam wasn’t kidding about going to the ladies room to admire herself in the mirror. Pam is fantastic. She has to explain to Jessica how to feed on people because Bill sucks as a sire. Seriously, he couldn’t have found time in his busy schedule of working over Sookie for Sophie Ann to help this poor girl out? I love what Pam thinks about to keep her from killing when she’s feeding. Pam, you’re my hero and I want to be you when I grow up. Only, the version that wears significantly less pink. I can’t handle that much pink.

Sookie guilts Eric into helping her before Jessica comes back to let her know she needs to be home before dawn. I agree with Eric, no more crying! After they leave, we zoom in on his eye and… then the show switched to Werewolf Women of the SS. At some point during WWII, Eric and Godric infiltrated the SS to seemingly hunt down werewolves. And if you thought they were looking smart in those uniforms, do not feel like the Lone Ranger. I have a theory that whoever designed those uniforms was clearly only concerned with what would look hot and not with the fact that the people wearing them were total assbutts.

Back on Harpsichord Manor, Russell, his partner Talbot, and a cadre of very large vampire menfolk show Bill to the room he’ll be staying in while he is a “guest” of the King’s. The doors are lined with silver, so I’m thinking it’s less of a guest room and more of a plush cage. What I thought was more interesting than them keeping him hostage was that they knew about Sookie and how they could use her against Bill to get him to do whatever it is they want him to do.

On their way to the hospital, Tara convinces Lafayette not to take her. She’s convinced that if he takes her to a hospital, they’ll pump her full of drugs, get her to spill why she tried to kill herself, and then commit her to the Looney Bin because seriously, last season’s story with Maryann and Eggs was nuttier than squirrel turds. Tara confesses that she felt like the only time she was “happy” was when Maryann zombified her. Lafayette has to let her in on a little secret about life: “Life ain’t not having problems, Tara. It’s about dealing with the ones you got.” Tara doesn’t think she can deal with them, and Lafayette is awesome and politely reminds her that she isn’t going to leave him alone to plan her funeral. Instead of continuing to the hospital, he decides to get her something to eat and then to take her someplace that the mere vague mention of makes him look uncomfortable.

Sookie drops Jessica off at Bill’s and Hoyt’s waiting for her. Again, before she leaves, Sookie makes sure to let Jessica know that everything is about her and to call her if Bill contacts her. So, Hoyt brings some Tru Bloods with him as a peace offering of sorts and tries to say he understands what Jessica is going through. She tells him he doesn’t have a clue about what’s in her nature. He’s adamant that they can fight their respective natures together, but she says it’s too late (you know, since she killed a dude and is sleeping next to his rotting corpse now — you can’t come back from that). Hoyt was looking pretty badass with that new haircut until he started crying. Is that the theme for this season? Everyone’s just going to be bawling every episode? Please, tell me it’s not.

Sookie makes it back home, and Jason’s there hanging out, eating chicken in the dark. That gets him kneed in the family junk. Jason reminds me of my family’s dog named Fuzzy. Lovable, but not too bright. I think that’s why I like him so much lately. He couldn’t sleep, so he heads over to Sookie’s because he can’t imagine Gran being too happy about how Maryann left her house. Then he got hungry. Sookie breaks down and has to tell him about Bill getting abducted by werewolves. Which leads to the usual “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, I just discovered supernatural things are real” response in that he asks if Bigfoot is real. Then Santa. I love you, Jason. Then an even better fanservice moment when Sookie’s talking about how she can’t just stand around doing nothing because she expects Bill to come walking through the door any moment and saying, “Sookeh.” She even did an impression of Bill’s voice. Classic. So Jason offers to talk to Andy about helping out, sans knowing about the werewolf part. This leads to Sookie telling Jason about how she helped Eggs remember what he did and that’s why he died. I did like when he was walking her out of the kitchen, that last little bit of dialogue about how it’s just him and her and now Bill. He’s got a good heart, he’s just kinda dumb.

Sam meets his bio-family. And they’re shiny. But, let’s be honest, whose dad hasn’t walked out into the living room to meet someone at their door dressed only in his underwear? Really? It’s only happened to me?

Sookie makes it to Merlotte’s and picks up on the thoughts of a werewolf watching her. Terry rolls around to the parking lot and inadvertently saves her from getting snatched right that second. She goes chasing him into the woods, Terry follows. Terry is awesome. How did this show get the best set of secondary characters of any show? He starts doing his tracking thing, and Sookie tells him about werewolves too. I thought she was supposed to keep on the QT with all this werewolf business?

Lafayette takes Tara to one of the nicer looking mental clinics around, and it turns out it’s to see his mother. Who’s played by Alfre Woodard! Holy macaroni, dudes. I couldn’t believe Alfre Woodard was saying the stuff Ruby Jean here was saying! I’m so used to her being nice! Anyway, we find out that cray-cray runs in this family something fierce. Lafayette’s been paying to keep her in this place, even though she’s about as horrible as Lettie Mae (she tells the nurse, Jesus, that her son is dead because he’s gay — only in a less friendly manner). Besides the whole revelation that this family tree is being watered by insanity, all I have to say is that if Jesus looked like that I’d be in church all the time. Dang. He and Lafayette better have a thing this season because I saw the eyes they were giving each other.

Turns out that Andy taking the heat for Jason means the press sees him as a hero. Jason goes to him to talk about how Sookie’s blaming herself for what happened with Eggs, and is just generally causing a scene in front of the press and Dearborne. Andy gets him to Merlotte’s post haste. Because it’s like Cheers and it’s totally safe to talk about how you killed someone and are covering it up there.

Even Terry wants to get Andy in on this. Sookie begs him not to tell anyone about the whole werewolf thing, and Terry isn’t sure he’s very good at keeping secrets. Sookie tells him that he’s a lot better at things than he gives himself credit for, and that’s one of the things that I find redeeming about her as a character. She’s always trying to get the people around her to realize how they’re selling themselves short a majority of the time and that they are worth more than that. Of course, Arlene is preggers crazy and Terry takes it personally. He asks Sookie to tell Arlene that he’s good at things, but she tells him to do it himself before time runs out. Before she leaves, Terry gives her a revolver and it’s good to know that she isn’t so blonde she doesn’t know how to handle a firearm.

Turns out, Sam’s mother had him when she was sixteen and his father was in jail. She claimed the Merlottes said they could give Sam a better life than she could. That’s when they find out Sam’s a shifter too. The father is a normal and thinks that being able to shift is something special, while Sam’s not thinking along the same lines since he had to go through it alone. Turns out Little Brother’s a shifter as well, and a bit of a drama queen.

Tara can’t believe Lafayette’s been keeping Ruby Jean a secret. She figures out that Lafayette is worried the two of them will turn out like their mothers. Tara and Lafayette come to an agreement about her not checking out early. All while he’s looking over his shoulder to catch a parting glimpse of Jesus. I like the way Lafayette thinks.

Sam tries to bond with Tommy by shifting into dogs and running around. I just don’t see this ending well. Tommy’s all bitter about Sam getting “raised” by people who weren’t Ma and Pa Kettle. That’s not something a person gets over by running around as a dog, I’m guessing.

That night, things are still not getting any fresher. Jessica’s looking to rent a chainsaw to take care of Dead and Ripe Guy. Unfortunately, she pulls out his wallet and discovers he had a little boy that now doesn’t have a father thanks to her tantrum.

Russell and Talbot put on a grand dinner for Bill. Bill is really stuck on this whole being taken over state lines. I don’t get it. Will that be explained later on, or is that just something people who read the books know? At any rate, Russell tells Bill that he wants to make him sheriff of Mississippi Area 2. Bill doesn’t buy this and thinks Russell is waging war against Sophie Ann. Russell intends to marry her (this is spoken when Talbot is out of the room). Again, Bill doesn’t seem to buy this happening either, but Russell informs him that Bill will be the one helping it become a reality.

Much to Andy’s chagrin, Jason and he are now BFFs. He does think that Jason just needs to start applying himself and he can do something with his life.

Tommy and Sam are enjoying a run through the forest as dogs, and Little Brother totally tries to kill him. Told you this wasn’t going to end well. I feel like Sam should know how to shift faster than he’s been able to here and in the past. Maybe Tommy wasn’t trying to kill him. Maybe he was testing him to see how advanced he was in shifting?

Back at Bill and Jessica’s place, some dude with the pointiest cowboy boots ever waltzes in and starts rummaging through Bill’s stuff. And I totally KNEW Bill was sent there to spy or whatever on Sookie! With this revelation, how can ANYONE be “Team Bill”?! He’s a total liar, liar pants on fire! I bet this Mystery Guy turns out to be the guy Eric hired to take care of Bill.

Speaking of Mister Hotpants, Eric shows up at Sookie’s to tell her the truth about Operation Werwolf. Turns out he and Godric had infiltrated the SS to find out who had been funding and organizing the group. I guess normally werewolves aren’t the “organized” type. Anyhow, the she-wolf tells them that a vampire is the one running the show, right before she tries to kill Eric and right before Godric snaps her neck like a twig. We get to see a little more into the relationship between Godric and Eric and that is always a good thing as far as I’m concerned. The pack dates back much further than the Nazis, and they’re fueled by vampire blood. Dudes, Eric seriously has it bad for Sookie, and when he tells her he’s not leaving, that she’s going to invite him in so he can protect her or have passionate, primal sex with her, uh, he had me for sure. Bill? Bill who? But she’s a stubborn one. Or she likes to play hard to get with Eric.

I never knew there were so many ways to “eat” blood, but there goes the King of Mississippi proving me wrong. It seems that everyone in the vampire community knows that Sophie Ann sent Bill to Bon Temps to butter up Sookie, and yet Bill keeps trying to pretend like it’s not true. Russell pulls the Sookie card in order to get Bill’s full attention.

Lafayette brings Tara to Merlotte’s because he has to work. Terry has a list for Arlene that totally made me go “Awwww” and wish he and Felix would move in with me. I also like that he kept going with the list even when Arlene ran back to the ladies room to throw up. My favorite was number three (he never killed anything by accident).

British vampire rolls into Merlotte’s and starts chatting up Tara. He also turns out to be the owner of the pointy cowboy boots. Interesting.

Jessica gets back home with a chainsaw, only Dead Guy isn’t in the hole in the ground anymore. So did he get up and walk away? A total possibility with how ripe he was getting. I’m pretty sure that odor was getting up to check the fridge for beers. Or did Pointy Cowboy Boots get rid of him? I kinda wanted to see her hack that guy up with the chainsaw.

Andy ends up taking Jason on a meth lab bust. While the cops get busy with the perps, Jason notices this strange, seemingly mute girl hanging out in the woods behind the house. He asks her if she’s alright, but she just runs off. So Jason goes and tackles some drug dealer trying to make a break for it, and just like a dog is super happy with himself for what he did.

Tara, drinking an entire bottle of Wild Turkey on your own is not a good way to keep yourself alive. A couple of stereotypical rednecks come out to the parking lot and start weeing all over the spot were Eggs died. Yeah, Tara doesn’t take this so well, but she’s got Pointy Cowboy Boots to back her up. Those two are totally hooking up.

Bill’s still arguing with Russell and Talbot when Lorena strolls in and takes an oil lamp to the face. PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS FOR REALS.

Leave it to my favorite character of the entire show to point out that a human and a vampire getting married is an epically bad idea. In the middle of him giving her crap, he senses that something’s in her house already. She finally invites him in, and wouldn’t you know it there’s a wolf waiting in the shadows. The ep ends with Sookie pulling out her piece and blasting one in the werewolf’s direction. If it’s not a silver bullet, I foresee this being like shooting a bear with a BB gun.

Rating: 4.5 / 5 Stars