Back in the day, you could have just one career. You’d get hired out of college by a bank, for example, and you’d retire 30 years later as the Vice President of community relations with a fat pension and a gold watch. But that’s not the way it works now. Now we’ve got outsourcing and insourcing and technology and recessions and bubbles, and… the only way to stay ahead is to be ready to switch careers at a moment’s notice. When they outsource galaxy-saving to the cheap labor on the outskirts of the galaxy (they would have gotten away with it, to, with that clone army, if that damn Obi-Wan Kenobi hadn’t gotten involved), what will the Jedi do? How will they repackage their skill sets? Here are some ideas:
5. Wedding Planner
Wedding planners have to deal with an unruly bride who will stop at nothing to have things go her way, while Jedi deal with an unruly Emperor who will stop at nothing to have the galaxy go his way. Wedding planners have to coordinate grooms, groomsmen, bridesmaids, guests, and wedding crashers. Jedi have to coordinate Clone Troopers, royal guards, Senators, and comic relief characters. Wedding planners have to stay calm in the face of unforeseen disasters (drunk siblings trying to give toasts, for example), while Jedi have to stay calm in the face of unforeseen evil plots (the massacre of their entire order, for example). It’s a natural fit.
4. Motivational Speaker
There are two things you need to be a good motivational speaker:
- a way with people and
- a gimmick.
Jedi have both. For example, they could make people walk on light sabers to prove that everything is a question of mind over matter. And talk about a way with people! The Jedi mind trick alone could motivate thousands to live up to their full potential. Picture it:
CLIENT: Oh, Jedi Master, I am so unmotivated. I feel like such a loser.
JEDI: (waving his hand) You are motivated beyond belief.
CLIENT: Beyond belief…
JEDI: There’s nothing to see here.
CLIENT: There’s nothing to see here…
JEDI: Move along.
CLIENT: Move along…
3. Coffee Barista
You may think slinging coffee is just a matter of deciding which spigot to use, but it’s more than that. You have to know you client… anticipate their tastes… find new and interesting ways to explain why they don’t just call it a large. The Jedi order are natural baristas. Especially Master Mace: “I’m F*&$#ing sick of you asking for more Mother F*$*ing cream in this Mother F*^&*ing vinti!!!”
2. Game Show Host
I sometimes wonder if Alex Trebek is a Jedi. More than 30 years reading from those cards, and not once stumbling on his words? And how does he ask questions in the form of answers all those during the show without going home and phrasing all questions as an answer? Because he’s a Jedi, that’s how! In case you’re wondering, Master Yoda would be my first choice to replace Pat Sajak.
1. Repo Man
You might be thinking, with all those tracking and fighting skills, bounty hunter would be a good choice. But the galaxy is already crawling with bounty hunters. Besides, bounty hunting requires a certain moral flexibility that the Jedi will never achieve. But repossessing foreclosed property? That’s good honest work that will always be in demand. It’s not like the Empire paid cash for all those AT-AT’s it lost at the battle of Hoth. Tatooine alone could keep a Jedi employed for years, with all that scum in the Cantina wasting their money on booze and jazz bands instead of paying for their skiffs and sand barges and landspeeders.
