Fandom Deathmatch: Jack O’Neill vs. MacGyver

In one corner, we’ve got Colonel Jack O’Neill. Not only does he have a special operations background, biting sarcasm, and great piloting skills, but he’s downloaded secret knowledge from an ancient alien civilization directly into his brain.

In the other corner, we’ve got Angus MacGyver. A compassionate, quick thinking genius with training from the Department of External Affairs, he never leaves home without a Swiss Army knife and a roll of duct tape (plus, he’s got a great mullet).

This would be a hell of a match-up, no matter the backdrop. For our purposes, let’s put with O’Neill and MacGyver in a Pacific Northwest forest, which O’Neill is used to (it’s amazing how many of the planets O’Neill visited resembled the forests surrounding Vancouver), so you might think that gives him the advantage. But there’s a lot you can do with a few twigs, some recently rained upon leaves, and a lightly soiled pair of underwear. So perhaps MacGyver has the advantage after all.

O’Neill would have no problem firing his standard issue alien-busting M4 Carbine as soon as he sees the enemy. It might not be an M4. It might be an MP5. But whatever SG-1 is issuing these days, we know that after ten seasons without upgrading to lasers, O’Neill will be wielding some good old fashioned Terran “particle weapon” technology. MacGyver, having sworn off firearms, would have no choice but to run for cover.

O’Neill has won his share of battles while out-gunned, but he doesn’t quite have this thing in the bag. After so many episodes of being out-gunned, he’s a bit rusty being the overdog (or whatever the opposite of underdog is). Sure, he can defeat an entire alien invasion with nothing more than an ancient DNA strand and some one liners. But a pacifist secret agent armed with nothing more than his wits? That’s a bit outside the comfort zone.

“Just come out and let’s get this over with,” shouts O’Neill. He pulls the shades from his nose, inserts a stick of gum in his mouth, and then indulges in a deep, chest-heaving sigh. “I’ll donate some duct tape to your favorite summer camp.” Of course, MacGyver doesn’t take the bait. He’s busy fashioning an ingenious ad hoc defense.

“Duct tape?” Responds MacGyver, trying to draw O’Neill further into the woods, “let me think about it!” O’Neill decides to press forward, but is too smart to rush straight at his adversary’s voice. Instead, he tries to reverse the tactic.

“I hate to sound like that girl from American Pie,” responds O’Neill, “but once, at band camp, I met a kid who thought he could beat me up by constructing a light saber from a used paper towel roll and a kazoo.” O’Neill waits for a response, but gets only silence. “it didn’t turn out well.”

When MacGyver doesn’t respond, O’Neill gets nervous and decides to outflank his adversary. Wisely circling around, he spots MacGyver’s back. Not the type to shoot a man in the back, he steps forward. “Come out where I can see you.”

“Okay,” responds a voice from behind O’Neill. Before he can turn around, a snare wraps around O’Neill’s legs, and pulls him up to a hanging position from a tree branch. The weapon goes flying from his hand, the gum goes flying from his mouth, and O’Neill is left with nothing to do but snarl (and stall, of course). Upside down, O’Neill spins around as best he can and sees what he had thought was MacGyver. It’s just his shirt stuffed with leaves and propped up against a bush.

“You don’t see that every day.”

“What, a decoy?”

“No, me falling for the oldest trick in the book.”

MacGyver circles around the upside down O’Neill, retrieving the gun on the way.

Any last words?” he asks, ready to pull the trigger.

“I thought you hated guns.”

“I do, but there were two or three episodes where I was forced to use one. Plus, this is a death match.” Macgyver presses the trigger, but nothing happens. O’Neill pulls a knife from his holster.

“Sorry, Mac, I SG-1 upgraded our weapons. Now you have to have that Ancient DNA for our guns to work. We haven’t switched to lasers yet. But you can’t have everything.” MacGyver doesn’t respond. Instead, he starts walking around, obviously looking for something on the ground.

“DNA, you said?”

“Yes, why?” Responds O’Neill. Instead of answering, MacGyver picks up the piece of gum that fell out of O’Neill’s mouth. He wraps it around his trigger finger.

“Because if a roll of duct tape won’t do the job, a stick of chewing gum usually will.” With that, MacGyver presses the trigger.

Victory to MacGyver.

Editor’s Note: