10 Men You’d Like To Hook Up With, But Really Shouldn’t

Girls (and guys), ever met a guy that was just the picture perfect representation of your dream man? Handsome, smart, funny — maybe even with a special ability. Sadly, that picture-perfect façade is often hiding something much more sinister… something you really should think twice before releasing.

Here is a list of ten guys who appear on the outside to be amazing catches, but the consequences of such a catch often are too large to bear.

10. Captain Jack Harkness (Doctor Who / Torchwood)

Why We Want Him: Why not? Jack is a lovable, kind, handsome all American (or apparently sounding) guy! He doesn’t discriminate, so just about anyone (or anything) has a chance to get a little love from the guy. He also has a very caring heart for those he is close to, and will sacrifice his life (really, he will) for them. Don’t worry though, he always comes back!

Why We Shouldn’t Want Him: Aside from the fact he goes after anyone and anything? His job puts him into the worst of alien situations, commitment is out of the question, and he’ll often disappear for extended periods leaving you wondering where (or when) he is. The stress alone just wouldn’t be worth it. Another negative point: his exes tend to have murderous streaks. Beware.

9. Edward Cullen (Twilight)

Why We Want Him: A “vegetarian” vampire who’s good looking, respectful, and wealthy? That alone makes most girls swoon. Edward embodies the “picture perfect” boyfriend. He not only puts those he cares about before him, but goes above and beyond to ensure they are happy and safe.  A bit old-fashioned in terms of morals, which is a rarity in this century.

Why We Shouldn’t Want Him: Besides you being a juicy steak in front of someone who lives (unhappily) on tofu (so to speak), you may end up having nomad vampires (i.e. ones that use humans as sippy cups) or the Volturi (“vampire police”) after you for even being there. Takes the fun out of a game of baseball when you have to run for your life, and not for another point. And sorry gals, but sex is out of the question, unless you don’t value your ribs or spinal column.

8. Lestat de Lioncourt (Interview With The Vampire)

Why We Want Him: Handsome, suave, funny… a gentleman romantic. Be you poor or wealthy, he does not discriminate based on class. When he seeks you out, you will get his undivided attention, sometimes a bit more than you’d expect.

Why We Shouldn’t Want Him: Unlike other (see above) vampires, Lestat drinks ’em and leaves ’em… oftentimes torturing the victim mentally in the process. If you’re lucky, you’ll be killed quickly. Chances are you won’t be. He’s a killer, and kills to live. He wants to live… so you’re nothing but a meal. Sorry.

7. Michael Bluth (Arrested Development)

Why We Want Him: Michael is an overall sweet guy — a great worker, industrious, and compassionate. He helps his family out when no one else will. Since his wife’s death, he’s raised his son better than most single fathers. Michael will always see the good in a person, even when the bad is staring him in the face. He also is a person who does the right thing… for the most part.

Why We Shouldn’t Want Him: Two words: his family. Not only are they incredibly dysfunctional, controlled by an alcoholic mother & a neglectful father, but the rest aren’t much better. Their family company is constantly under fire (or being investigated by the FBI), their father is in and out of jail, cousins who question their love for each other, one brother fears seals after getting his hand eaten off, and so forth. Really… do you want to get involved in this? Even Michael questions this himself.

6. Edward Blake aka The Comedian (Watchmen)

Why We Want Him: Most cannot deny the desire there is in hooking up with a superhero — especially one that doesn’t reply on superpowers, but on their natural skills. With numerous government connections and a swank pad, you know there will never be an end to what you two could do together.

Why We Shouldn’t Want Him: Psychopathic, murderous, laughs at what shouldn’t be considered funny, (attempted) rapist, abusive… the list goes on and on. He may be a great masked hero, and in the end see reality for what it is, but dating material he is not. Tread carefully when approaching this one, unless you too are a super hero… and even then, be careful.

5. Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)

Why We Want Him: It’s hard to find a guy with a sense of humor and an attitude like an excited teenager. He does what few are willing to do, and doesn’t care what others think. It’s this carefree nature that is his biggest draw… either that, or his belief of all things legendary.

Why We Shouldn’t Want Him: Our parents always warned us about those guys that “just want one thing.” He IS that guy. He takes pride on being able to convince any girl to sleep with him, including convincing one that he was from the future. Relationships are not his bag, simply the benefits. Case in point: he has to hire an actress to pretend to be his girlfriend around his mother rather than find an actual girlfriend.

4. King Henry VIII (The Tudors)

Why We Want Him: Let’s disregard the fact he’s the King of England, and pretty much one of the most powerful people in the world. He knows how to show a woman his attention, be it in bed or sending her priceless jewels. Play a little hard to get, and he will rip the world apart just to be with you. Talk about determination!

Why We Shouldn’t Want Him: Obsession with bearing a son and being easily bored are two things. Henry also has a tendency to hop from bed to bed without regard to most of those ladies. If you’re foolish enough to let him think he’s been betrayed (even if you’re innocent), you may very well lose your head. Kings have a great deal of baggage, and Henry is no exception to that.

3. Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)

Why We Want Him: Wealth and looks are sometimes not enough. But for Patrick Bateman, that’s ALL it’s about. He has style and exquisite tastes. He takes care of himself to a ridiculous level, and knows how entertain those around him. Simply put, he’s as high as they come on the socioeconomic ladder. With him on your arm, you’ll get a plus 10 in style.

Why We Shouldn’t Want Him: Running around with chainsaws nude, using wire hangers for things other than hanging clothes, finding new uses for hamsters… the list goes on. If you’re lucky not to see THAT side of him, he’ll likely just put his headphones on and ignore anything you say. Or he’ll put a nail-gun to the back of your head to shut you up. Granted, he may not actually act on his mental impulses… but be wary they exist at all.

2. James Bond (Bond Franchise)

Why We Want Him: He’s a British spy who knows how to dance as well as dare. James Bond has been one of the few who can turn even those who hate him into lovers. It’s possibly the accent, or the tuxedo, but women just fall to jelly regardless. It also helps to have a variety of incarnations to choose from.

Why We Shouldn’t Want Him: Like anyone who tempts fate, fate punches back. Most women who dance with Bond either end up dead or entirely forgotten by the next mission. Not really worth the chance of hook up with 007, even for a moment.

1. Dr. Christian Troy (Nip/Tuck)

Why We Want Him: He’s a wealthy plastic surgeon with a fine taste in everything he touches and a twisted humor streak to boot. Christian knows how to treat women and make them feel beautiful (or make them beautiful, depending on the woman). Deep down he’s a good guy who proves he can also be a family man (one of his better aspects). Looking good in his forties and knowing just how to keep YOU looking good is also a bonus.

Why We Shouldn’t Want Him: Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. And a great deal of bad it is. Ex-girlfriends range from homicidal to tortured to being tossed out trash. Christian has no belief in monogamy and will tempt however many girls he can fit in his bed at one time and how much control he can obtain over them (e.g. putting bags on their heads so he won’t have to look at them). Most women who have seduced Christian have ended up broken, alone, or scarred (physically and mentally). Christian still has growing up to do before he’s the catch that he appears to be.