So I don’t know if you heard, but there’s a new Mad Max movie playing down at the old cineplex. It’s quite good. This happens.
I could go on and on about all the things this movie does right: the stuntwork is glorious, the villain is spooky, the design is incomparable, the action is rough. People shoot each other, fall off cars, shoot cars, get hit by cars and fall off of cars onto other cars and then shoot people. It’s a major motion picture actually created for adults. God, I can’t even remember the last time I went to the theater without expecting someone to try to sell me a commemorative Taco Bell soda jug. It’s just a grand old time all around. The director of Babe has really outdone himself.
But I feel like a lot of people are really misunderstanding this movie. Specifically feminists. Dirty, dirty feminists.
In keeping with their usual inability to understand things, feminists have consulted with their Matriarchal Overmind and gotten this weird idea that Mad Max is somehow all gender egalitarian and shit. I won’t even talk about the kind of bald-faced social indoctrination this could inevitably lead to; you’re no doubt well aware about how feminists have ruined formerly masculine art forms like video games, books, and figure skating with their propaganda. But this time they’ve gone too far. I’m here to tell you that Mad Max: Fury Road is feminist in the same way a fish is a bicycle. It isn’t. Not even a little.
First of all, the women in this movie are pretty. Feminists hate that for some reason, probably because they’re super jealous. I mean, Imperator Furiosa wears practical combat gear for the entirety of this movie, as do the Vuvalini, the aged female biker gang that have been surviving in the wilderness of Australia since the world died. But there are also some Victoria’s Secret models in this movie, which immediately and permanently stomps out any chance at feminism this movie could have had, like a two-headed lizard under a combat boot of Manliness. Because feminists hate Victoria’s Secret models and think women should be ugly like they are, and absolutely despise beautiful representations of the female form. Seriously. Gloria Steinem said so.
And anyway, there’s nudity in this movie. Like ten whole seconds of it! I heard feminists hiss at the screen during that part! We all know feminists have this weird idea that putting naked ladies on the screen somehow “objectifies” women, so it was gratifying seeing the filmmaker’s give a nice big middle finger to these people by making one of the ladies naked for a moment. I mean, a moment later the naked lady puts on her clothes and hops off the pedestal that circumstances have placed her on, revealing that it was all a clever ruse to lure bands of reavers into a trap, and she later proves to be a valuable member of their war party with a personality all her own. But there were boobs for a second. Checkmate, Susan B. Anthony.
And I don’t know if you noticed but the movie’s called Mad Max! Not Mad Maxine. God, it’s like these feminists didn’t even watch the movie! Didn’t they see the whole five minutes at the beginning where the focus of the story is actually on Max? I guess all those bra burnings must’ve gotten some smoke in their eyes, because I distinctly recall reading somewhere that that sidekick guy played by Tom Hardy was actually the main character. Not Charlize Theron’s Furiosa, who drives the bulk of the story and exhibits the most growth as a character. Feminists hate men in their stories. That’s why Tina Fey’s new sitcom is all about a happy-go-lucky suburban girl trying to make her way in a New York castration clinic.
No, this movie is all about the men. Nicholas Hoult’s sexy cheekbones are in this movie, portraying a brilliant character called Nux, a chrome-worshipping car cultist who at first wants to die in glory at the behest of the villainous Immortan Joe. Gradually, Nux learns that kidnapping women and turning them into sex slaves and/or milk machines is a poor economic model, so he rejects the propaganda he was raised to believe in all his life and starts making his own decisions. The women choose not to kill him despite having every reason to because they want to give him a chance to prove himself. If this were ACTUALLY a feminist movie, we all know they would have lectured him about the “damsel in distress” trope before stealing his sperm and forcing him to pay child support, as all feminists do.
And Max ends up saving the day anyway. Well, not “saving”. More like “helping the women save the day”. More like “contributing to the women’s plan to save the day after getting over his own bullshit insecurity that he hides under a thin veneer of anti-social independence.” But what feminist really thinks men and women have to work together to affect social change? None of them, that’s what.
So to summarize, Mad Max: Fury Road is NOT feminist. It’s just a story about a skilled, non-sexualized, independent woman who uses her incredible abilities to fight an uphill battle against a patriarchal society that treats women as property and indoctrinates men into fighting pointless wars at the behest of male tyrants who seek only to maintain an imagined status quo.
Seriously, what’s feminist about that?