TV Reviews: True Blood 3.04 – “9 Crimes”
Episode: True Blood 3.04 – “9 Crimes”
Original Air Date: July 11, 2010
Nine crimes may have happened in this episode, but someone doing the smart thing wasn’t one of them.
Back at Casa Herveaux, Sookie is totally up in and all over Alcide’s business and I want to thunderdome her because SHE CAN’T HAVE ALL THE HOT MENS! Ahem. But the Bill calls her up and breaks up with her in the classiest way ever. For some reason, whenever Sookie drops the F-bomb, it cracks me up. It’s like when my granny does it. I kind of think Bill’s being extra harsh to Sookie to try and get her to go back to Bon Temps for her own good, but I also still think he’s balls-out crazy and he looks like he’s officially snapped, so who knows at this point.
After the opening credits that still gross me out every single time, Alcide is trying to comfort Sookie over the break up. She’s confused, and he’s pretty jaded about what’s happened because of his ex, Deb. That was pretty hilarious to watch him so not be easy on her. When he actually does try to comfort her, Sookie gets all doe-eyed for him! Yes, weres do fun hot, Alcide. And “weres,” I mean you. And by “hot” I mean, holy cow you are an Adonis cut out of marble by Michelangelo himself. Wow. From now on, I decree that Alcide is shirtless always. Always.
Back at Merlotte’s, Sam finds out while chasing Tommy that his bio-family was sleeping in the parking lot of his bar. I actually thought it might be Ma that was trying to steal from Sam, not Tommy, but Ma and Pa are clearly a disaster zone (or really good at playing it). Although, I swear to Chuck Norris’s beard, that I actually snorted at the “That boy makes my ass itch” line. Ma promises that they’ll leave as soon as Tommy shows back up. Ten bucks that’s a load of horse crap.
Franklin and Tara! I’m not even kidding you, Franklin is quickly becoming one of my favorites, and this ep is the reason why. Franklin gets Tara to spill her guts about Sookie and Bill, but mostly about Sookie. He then pulls a half-assed T-1000 by making Tara call Sookie to try and find out where in Jackson she is. Doesn’t work, but this setback gives Tara enough of her brain back to attempt an escape. That obviously doesn’t work and Franklin ends up feeding on her. I’m beginning to think all vamps in the True Blood Verse are 100% insane.
Over at Russell’s, Lorena is completely, no doubts, ten kinds of crazy. She’s pretty convinced that there’s something between he and Bill that isn’t the absolute disgust and hatred Bill obviously has for her. He is nothing but spiteful toward her, even clocks her one square in the face to send her flying out of his room (and I laughed at that even though I probably shouldn’t have), and she STILL thinks it’s all foreplay! Like I said, all the vamps in this world must be a box full of Fruit Loops.
It was pretty hilarious that Eric was the one having a little daydream about Sookie while he was supposed to be at work. But, damn Anna Paquin! Who is your trainer and can I borrow him/her? Girl is looking good in that dream sequence.
Next day, Alcide’s really looking good in plaid still. God, I love plaid. He’s also pretty sure Sookie will want to head back to Bon Temps, but she wants Bill to break it off face-to-face. Because that will be SO much less humiliating then what already happened. I’m with Alcide on this one: Sooke, you’re a doormat. However, there’d be no show if she wasn’t as pigheaded as she is. She tries to convince him to take her to the engagement party at Lou Pine’s so she can try and glean more info, but he is not having it.
“Ring, ring, hooka. Ring. Ring.” I LOVE that the next morning, once he’s had a chance to sit behind the wheel, Lafayette is ALL about that shiny new car. That message he leaves for Tara, and his whole attitude and the way the lines are delivered are just fantastic. I wish I had this much bravado. Speaking of Tara, looks like Franklin left her a little tied up. Say what you will, at least he was considerate enough to tie her up on the toilet. You know, just in case.
Sookie gets Alcide’s sister, Janice, to make her over so she looks like she fits into the scene at Lou Pine’s better. She tells Janice she wants to look like she could kick some “serious ass,” which she seems to think she actually can, but, and I’ve watched enough Super Action movies to know, screaming isn’t considered kicking some “serious ass” unless you’re Banshee or Siryn from The X-Men. Sookie gleans that it’s not really an engagement party but that Deb is hooked on V and getting herself initiated into Operation Werwolf. And that whole bit about how Janice doesn’t want Alcide to be involved with Deb should have really hit home with Sookie about Bill, but, again, we wouldn’t have a show if common sense were even remotely common in the TB-verse.
Back at Merlotte’s again, Arlene’s the only waitstaff that still bothers to show up and she’s on the verge of cracking in the most spectacularly major way. Jason ends up meeting the kid he was ten years ago in the form of the new Bon Temps High School football star. He, surprisingly for this character, whips out some pretty deep philosophical stuff. We also have Dearborne making Andy the new sheriff at his retirement party and this TOTALLY pisses Kenya off.
Back in Jackson, Alcide shows up at his house (with a new pan to cook that steak breakfast in) and Sookie is all biker chick’d out! She tells Alcide everything she gleaned from Janice during the makeover party, and that includes Deb being initiated into Coot’s pack and that she’s a V junkie. This pretty much convinces Alcide to go to Lou Pine’s with Sookie that night.
Things continue to get weird at Russell’s. We find out that Bill was a “procurer” for Sophie-Ann and that he’s willing to tell Russell just about anything he wants to know about the Queen in return for Lorena being ghosted. Russell doesn’t agree nor disagree with this condition because I suspect he knows Bill is holding out on the really juicy info.
Night falls, and Franklin shows back up for Tara and this dude is so completely off his rocker. He’s also got that “Imma make dolls out of the hair from your brush” vibe going on for Tara. She really needs to consider just packing it in and becoming a nun or something.
Sam ends up hiring Jessica to be a hostess since he has no staff. Arlene is not happy about this because apparently “people LOVE giving redheads tips!” I do enjoy redheads, but I don’t remember ever tipping one more just because of it. Arlene is just getting pregnant crazy already, but blames it on her not wanting Sam getting taken advantage of. That’s also when Terry pops up to let Sam know his bio-family is still hanging in the parking lot. Grilling. Yup. I just love Terry. I think he’s the best.
So Lafayette isn’t as smart a salesman as he seems. He tries to get the meth-heads that got busted an ep or so ago to start selling the V. This leads to them kicking the crap out of him. Also, that girl Jason saw in the same ep the meth-heads got busted showed up for a bit. There’s just something off about this girl.
First night on the new job and Jessica’s already putting the whammy on customers. To be fair, it was a dude she knew from her human past, so it kinda had to happen. Bad side of this is that Hoyt sees this from afar and jumps to the conclusion that Jessica is moving on from him already. This is what happens when you play on the Jump to Conclusions mat. You end up setting yourself up for making an ass out of yourself later.
Eric shows up to save Lafayette (which he looked like he enjoyed). I like to believe that ASkars actually lifted this guy up off the ground like that. I think he’s tall enough and Viking enough and, damn, do I wish he were playing Thor.
And Franklin just keeps getting more delightfully deranged. He mentions that his employer takes care of his financial needs, but his personal needs are requiring some attention. In the form of Tara, for the looks.
Sam finds Tommy out in the woods and they have a brotherly heart-to-heart. He offers Tommy a job and a place to stay, but Tommy says he can’t leave Ma and Pa or they’ll end up in a gutter because they can’t take care of themselves. Bet you another $10 that Sam offers to let them all stick around.
Whilst giving Lafayette advice on being a proper salesman, Eric gets a call from Pam informing him that the Magister is raiding Fangtasia and that the Queen set Eric up for the fall. Things don’t look too good for Pam (and they better turn out good for her because she’s awesome and needs to be on the show forever).
Jason, sometime after pwning a teenager and drinking his weight in tap beer, decides that blackmailing Andy into making him a cop is how the “New Jason” would handle a situation. I really wanted like Hoyt or Dearborne or someone to be in one of those stalls, listening to the whole conversation.
Sam and Tommy head back to Ma and Pa, and Sam decides to give the bio-family a place to stay and gives Tommy a job at the bar and a busboy. I still think something hinkey is going on with these people (maybe not Tommy so much anymore, but definitely Ma and Pa).
Franklin works for Russell! Did not see that coming. Also, I still wish I were as fabulous as Talbot. I love his attitude. Tara is going to mess herself BIG TIME when Bill shows up.
Sookie does an okay job fitting in with the Operation Werwolf clan by doing shots. And Deb turns out to be a rough looking lady, being all strung out and whatnot. But I so don’t buy that one werewolf dude not recognizing Sookie. I mean, at the very least, he should have been able to recognize her smell. Wolverine totally would have, all’s I’m saying.
Meanwhile, the Magister is torturing Pam and uses the threat of killing her to get Eric to tell him who’s selling the V. Pam claims it was Bill and that’s the lie they go with. Pam is given two days before she dies. I really don’t like the Magister. Pam better not get ganked.
Yup, Deb is seriously strung out, and kind of a bitch. Which, I guess considering all things, works on at least two levels for her. She looks like she might come around or actually have some sense in her, but only for a second or two. Then she goes back to being disgusting with Coot. I can’t believe this chick dumped Alcide for a dude named “Coot.” What the crap, Deb?
So, while Bill is “procuring” a stripper for dinner, Russell leaves Lorena to go and feed his pack of werewolves. He must be the guy who’s been running Operation Werwolf from the Stone Age or whenever. How old is this dude, anyhow?
I guess Bill subscribes to the philosophy of “The Lap Dance is Always Better when the Stripper is Crying” when picking out a good meal. He finds himself a winner in this girl right here.
During Deb’s branding, some weird werewolf energy thing starts happening and EVERYONE starts pulling a “Thriller” and starts to shift. Sookie, of course, is completely defenseless.
And Bill senses this, but goes on into the limo to enjoy himself some stripper with Lorena and Russell. Call me a stickler, but all that blood at the end running out of the door? Overkill. No way that much blood is gushing out of her body and she’s still moving and they aren’t sucking it out of the upholstery.
Rating: 3.5 / 5 stars
