Why is it that Tiger got in trouble for his co-ed adventures, but Dennis Rodman built an entire career on his? Why can other superstars avoid career threatening situations while Tiger walks blindly into them? What’s the secret they have learned that Tiger didn’t? The secret is Star Trek.
These are the lessons Tiger would have learned from watching more Star Trek…
5. Choose Your Friends Wisely, Treat Them Well, and They Will Come to Your Rescue When You Need Them
Episode Recaps: “All Good Things,” the series finale of Next Generation, starts out with Captain Picard as a bitter old man. When he starts hallucinating, everyone thinks he’s senile. But over time, his former crew comes to his aid and, realizing his visions portend certain doom unless they do something, team up with their former Captain to save the Galaxy from certain destruction. At the end of The Wrath of Khan, Spock sacrifices himself to save the rest of the crew. In the follow up, The Search For Spock, the crew risks the end of their career, and even their lives, to bring Spock back to life. In the recent Star Trek reboot movie, future Spock comes back in time. But instead of using his knowledge of the future to defeat the enemy, he hangs back so that Kirk and Spock can develop that loyal friendship that will save the galaxy every few summers from now until Chris Pine needs a toupée.
If Tiger had watched these episodes and movies, he would have known the value of surrounding yourself with people who have your best interests in mind. They probably would have advised him not to get married until he had sowed his wild oats. He might have also learned you’re not supposed to make a habit out of betraying your wife’s trust (seeing as how she’s supposed to be your best friend and all).
4. Life Is A Series of Character Tests
Episodes That Teach This Lesson: “Mission at Farpoint” (ST:TNG), “Where No Man Has Gone Before” (ST:TOS), “This Side of Paradise” (ST:TOS)
Episode Recaps: In “Mission at Farpoint,” the crew encounters Q, an omnipotent being who puts the crew — and, by extention, the entire human race — on trial for being bloodthirsty maniacs who don’t deserve to explore space. In “Where No Man Has Gone Before,” the Enterprise comes across a space cloud that gives one of its crew members God-like abilities. But he also gets so drunk on power that Kirk has to kill him to save the rest of the crew. In “This Side of Paradise,” the Enterprise visits a planet that makes the entire crew feel bliss, but also complacency. The conflict between feeling eternal bliss and leaving forever his beloved ship causes Kirk to snap out of it, narrowly avoiding being a slacker the rest of his life.
If only Tiger had watched these episodes, he would know that when life tests your moral fortitude, you’re supposed to PASS the test.
3. Hubris is Bad
Episodes That Teach This Lesson: “Space Seed” (ST:TOS), The Wrath of Khan, “Where No Man Has Gone Before” (ST:TOS), Star Trek: First Contact
Episode Recaps: In “Space Seed,” the Enterprise encounters Khan Noonien Singh, a genetically modified human from the 21st century who fled Earth and put himself in cryogenic hibernation. Khan thinks his superior intelligence and strength give him the right to order Kirk around, but Kirk kicks his ass and strands him on a deserted planet. In The Wrath of Khan, Khan escapes the planet, but instead of running away tries to kill Kirk for not recognizing his superiority. This time Kirk outright kills Khan. In First Contact, the Borg aliens try to take over Earth, thinking they are superior because they assimilate entire races into their cybernetic hive-mind collective. This hubris blinds them to the counteroffensive planned by Captain Picard and Data.
If only Tiger had watched these episodes, he would have known that eventually everything would blow up in his face, no matter how good he is at playing golf.
2. Beware the Masses; They Love to Kick You When You’re Down
Episodes That Teach This Lesson: “Bread and Circuses” (ST:TOS), “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield” (ST:TOS), “Sins of the Father” (ST:TNG), “The Outcast” (ST:TNG)
Episode Recaps: In “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield,” two aliens arrive on the Enterprise, and hate each other for no apparent reason. They claim a horrible past between their “peoples,” even though there is no discernable difference between them. Finally, one points out that he is black on the left side of his face and white on the right side, while the other person is the opposite. This small difference has been the source of hatred between them for thousands of years. In “Sins of the Father,” Worf goes on trial to prove his father wasn’t a traitor, but it’s tougher than he thought, because Klingons love to hate traitors and they don’t want to be told they’ve been hating the wrong family all this time. In “The Outcast,” Riker falls in love with a member of an androgynous race who has feminine characteristics. The race believes it/her love for Riker is a mental illness. Instead of letting it/her leave the planet in peace, they perform an operation which “cures” the “illness.”
If only Tiger had watched these episodes, he would have understood how difficult his life would be once everything blew up in his face.
1. You Can Be a Traditional Family Man, or a Rakish Rogue, But You Can’t Be Both
Episodes That Teach This Lesson: “The Perfect Mate” (ST:TNG), “Lessons” (ST:TNG), The Wrath of Khan, The Search for Spock, “What Are Little Girls Made Of?” (ST:TOS), “Dagger of the Mind” (ST:TOS), “The Paradise Syndrome” (ST:TOS)
The common element in all the Original Series episodes is that Captain Kirk uses women, and they sacrifice themselves to save him, and then he leaves them without so much as a thank you. But it’s okay, because he is honest about it and everyone knows what they are dealing with. In the Next Generation episodes, on the other hand, the common element is that Captain Picard acts with honor and respect towards women, and doesn’t treat them like doormats, and he usually prevails over the enemy as a result.
If only Tiger had familiarized himself with the Kirk/Picard dichotomy. Then, as a young man, he would have said to himself, “I think I’m more of a Kirk than a Picard. Maybe I shouldn’t get married and create a public image based on being a nice guy family man. Instead, I’ll be the bad boy of golf… at least until I get it out of my system.”